His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
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About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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