that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
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just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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