see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
