put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
