i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
