she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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