I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
