I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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