your thong is hanging out like whoa
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
