Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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