you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
