I wanna passion pit in your ass
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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