I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
