Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So many bounce houses so little time
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
