the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
