My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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