Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
