i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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