Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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