The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
