Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
