you have to choose: penises or morals?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
