I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
