I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
