First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
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The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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