Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
