I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
