Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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