Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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