I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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