Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
