so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Apparently you make a good broom.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
