that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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