just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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