dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
