So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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