when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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