youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
