Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
