your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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