Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Randomize
