I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
