Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
