just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
