I accidentally had phone sex last night
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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