i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
