woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
