There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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