He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I AM VODKA MAN
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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