6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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