Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
