Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
