when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have demons in me.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
