she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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