I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
