I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
