Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
