She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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