My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
